Eureka!

I have started this blog many times, under many names. I wanted to capture both my love for and disgust with the activity that has, in many ways, come to rule my life. None of them have been satisfactory, mostly because I refused, until this morning, to face the fact that has been staring me in the face all along -

BOWLING IS INDEED DEAD.

I'm not talking about just the rubber and plastic ball eras, the wood lanes and lacquer era, the bowling-on-TV era, or the regular-people-giving-a-shit-about-bowling-on-TV era. I mean all of it, right up to the present day. House shot vs. sport shot, reactive balls vs. vis-a-balls, ugly dudes in modified bass-fishing jerseys quixotically attempting to make a living vs. ugly everyday folks passing the time on a rainy weekend - every sign that bowling is anything resembling what it once was is, in fact, the reanimated corpse of a sport/pastime that has long ago shuffled off this mortal coil.

In this recognition, I have finally found a space to revel in the good things about our deceased good friend (much as one might toast a companion lost too soon) while simultaneously trashing the remnants of his legacy (much as one would aim a bullet through a zombie's non-functioning brain to stop it from eating your skin).

I'm saying that what is now considered bowling is not, in fact, bowling. Just as living with the flesh-eating remains of your neighbors is not the same as the town you lived in before the zombie apocalypse, "bowling" is now just different enough that my encapsulating the word in quotes doesn't seem any weirder to me than boarding up my windows to stop the undead from eating my brain.

(My sincerest apologies for all the zombie references. I'll try to limit myself to one per post.)

Does this mean I am cynical, that I am packing up my multi-ball roller and my replaceable sole shoes and going home? HELL NO.

You see, I have come to this transcendent moment by applying an idea to bowling that I have found useful in other parts of my life. That is, I am naming that which is actually happening, or as I have become fond of saying, acknowledging what is. I am not trying to rationalize what has happened to bowling, nor am I trying to theorize what the past might portend for the future, or even expressing the-system-is-broken-and-we-need-to-do-thus-and-such-to-fix-it proclamations that bowling people have made since the dodo ball was invented, outlawed, and now finally, somewhat regulated.

This is a truly liberating moment. Any innovation is possible (though not necessarily advisable) short of changing the lane dimensions or oiling the approaches. Radically revamped handicapping systems? Colored (and perhaps flavored) lane conditioner? 50-frame games? Checkerboard oil patterns? Wood balls on plastic lanes? Why not try them all? Bowling doesn't care, it's dead!

I will elucidate these thoughts and theories as they come to me. I also invite the community of ball-rollers to rip me a new one, because lord knows I won't hesitate to do the same.